It has been a red letter day. My brother listed me with all the idiots he has to deal with, caught himself in the insult, laughed, but did not apologize nor retract; my sister dismissed the significance of my giving up my life to take care of her saying that it wasn’t much of a life, anyway, from what she could tell.
On the one hand, I am having to endure insults from someone to whom I am deeply indebted; on the other, I am enduring insults from someone who should feel an indebtedness to me. I feel both blows in the solar plexus.
I recall many, many years ago lamenting how my efforts went unappreciated but instead of apologies, I got declarations that I wasn’t due an apology because I hadn’t been asked to put forth those efforts, in the first place.
I’m 61 years old and I haven’t learned a damn thing.
Time after time I take on a challenge or a need… thinking I am being called by God to do so, but when my efforts are rejected and the need is not addressed, what failed?
Was I wrong in my thinking that I was being called by God; did I just want to believe I was?
Was I called but just went about it the wrong way? Did I do it wrong?
Am I having to relive this Groundhog Day of putting forth more effort that the person I am trying to help because I am failing to learn some lesson?
I am the common denominator; there is something I am doing wrong.
There is a wonderful scene in the movie “Rudy” in which Father Cavanaugh tells Rudy of the “only 2 irrefutable truths in life: There is a God and I am not He.”
There is a reason why my efforts to help others, fail. The good news is, I may be given time in this life to figure out what that reason is.
The bad news is, I must once again figure out how to peaceably co-exist with the people who throw my efforts back into my face, find a way to forgive them, love them, but be less willing to let them hurt me in the future. Otherwise, I will bleed to death and be no good to anyone.
(Jesus, take the wheel…please. Thank You.)